Letters from my heart
by spiritsunshine
Summary: Arizona is in therapy, trying desperately to patch up her marriage to Callie. This is her letter to her wife explaining her actions. Potential to move from one-shot to multichapter depending on reactions to this.


_Before the next season of Grey's starts (yay!), I had this idea for a letter Arizona could have wrote to Callie trying to explain her actions. It may turn into a two-shot, because I do see both sides of the Calzona predicament, or even a multi-shot of letters showing the healing process…_

_This came to mind when looking at people's comments on tumblr (because since graduating, even with working, I have too much free time these days…), and honestly I think although it's great to have opinions, being so hateful and bashing people who are trying to empathise with Arizona is just disrespectful to the fandom and plain mean._

_If Grey's has taught us all anything, it's that things aren't black and white, they're shades of grey. _

Callie,

I know I've done wrong. Cheating is never ok. I shouldn't have done it, I know. But I just want to explain how I'm feeling to you in a more rational way than shouting at you.

I have not been me. I know you know that. But every day I was lying in that bed needing you to be understanding, I felt like you were scared of me. I may have been volatile, which rightly would have put you on edge, but imagine how I felt. I was lost in the woods for four days. I comforted Mark after Lexie died. I was coughing up blood and couldn't tell anyone. When we were rescued, I almost died. That scared me. Then I woke up missing a leg. I felt like everybody was afraid to speak to me after the operation. Alex wouldn't look at me. Owen and Richard looked at me with pity. I was scared and I needed your time and support.

I shouted at you because I didn't know how to ask my wife for help. You wouldn't look at me, maybe because you were scared of me shouting, but I only shouted because it felt like you were disgusted. And honestly, how am I supposed to be able to trust somebody to help me when they couldn't even stay in the same apartment as me? All I needed was for you to be there, to talk to me. We both know I know the medicine behind an amputated leg, and I've worked with the prosthesis team multiple times for my patients. That is not the point. I didn't know how my wife was dealing with it and how I could talk to my wife about it.

On the subject of how my wife was dealing with things, I didn't get to speak to you about Mark. You lost your freaking best friend, the father of our daughter, and you didn't even tell me he had died. I had to hear it from a nurse. You came to me after it had happened and didn't say a word. I can't be there for somebody who won't let me. I get that you had it hard, but I could've tried to support you. I know I've said there were trust issues on my half, but I honestly believe that as soon as things changed you lost all trust in me.

Things changed. I changed. Can you really expect someone to get through such a big change without needing time to process everything? Can you really expect me to be bright and shiny throughout the phantom pains, or going from fully independent to needing help with making a coffee? I tried for you, put on a façade because honestly, I felt like you would have walked away from us. The first time we had sex? I felt so scared it made me feel sick. I wasn't ready. I'm not blaming saying you're the only one to blame, I knew I wasn't ready but I did it anyway. I did it for you. It was too much too fast and honestly, deep down I feel like you maybe should have understood that. You're a doctor, it's not like you haven't worked with patients before. You've seen this before; you should have recognised the signs.

I guess that brings me to the elephant in the room. Lauren. I know I've apologised, and I am deeply truly sorry. But you need to hear my side of things.

She treated me like a human, not creeping around me like I was going to explode any moment. I know we were doing better but honestly I didn't feel like you were treating me like a person. You were trying to keep things running at a whirlwind, worried if I stopped for a moment I would go back to the volatile mess I was before. It was exhausting trying to keep up. I didn't have that with Lauren.

I know that doesn't excuse what I've done, but I've been speaking to Dr Wyatt. She was the one who suggested I write all of this rather than say it and start an argument. She says that I need to make mistakes to heal, to be able to find myself again. I need time and I need understanding, both of which I found in Lauren. Dr Wyatt said it isn't unheard of for victims of PTSD to be in this predicament. Like I said it doesn't excuse any of this, but you are a doctor. I just wish you could use your knowledge and experience to try and see things from my view.

If you want to talk, you'll know where to find me. Likewise if you'd rather write a reply. I just hope we can try and move past this.

Forever yours,

Arizona.


End file.
